Rant # 2

[highlyeccentric]

I quote:

Feminism gave women control of their sex lives, but has it gone too far? Author and sex expert Dr Pam Spurr argues that many women are risking their relationships by saying ‘no’

Emily, 37, is a successful solicitor with a husband and a two-year-old son. To her friends, she doubtless lives a charmed existence. But recently she sat across from me in a life coaching session. She was very distressed. Having just discovered that her husband of five years had had an affair, she felt that her world had disintegrated. She’d been a good partner, hadn’t she? She was caring and hardworking, wasn’t she?

Closer examination of their relationship revealed that Emily hadn’t had sex with her husband for many months. When I pushed Emily gently on this she was incredibly defensive. It was her view that she was too busy with her career and raising their son to give any thought or time to sex.

Over the past two decades I have worked as a psychologist, life coach and sex expert, and I have found that Emily’s attitude is all too common. And such views don’t bode well for the success of relationships. With increasing frequency, women in their twenties, thirties and forties take a pragmatic, postfeminist view that sex is something over which they have no need to negotiate. In the bedroom, there is no compromise. If a man has a higher sex drive than a woman, then he can sort himself out. If he wants to try something new and she can’t be bothered, tough luck to him.

~

Because of course feminism should be blamed for lack of communication in a relationship. The man couldn't possibly be to blame at all. It wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that both Emily and her husband are living in a society where their worth is measured by their careers. It certainly wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that apparently Emily alone has the primary carer's duties for their son, on top of her career.

Oh no. It's all the fault of feminism.

ed- Let It Be Noted that i don't think it's the fault of Patriarchy, either. If "Emily" and her husband can't work out their respective needs- sex, childcare, whatever- if they can't *talk* to each other, then that's their own damn problem, and the causes are liable to be a tad more complicated than just "feminism" or "patriarchy".

Comments

[goblinpaladin.livejournal.com]

I'm cautious about this article. While I don't think that feminism has 'gone too far,' and I do think that the man should be a Goddamn man and actually open up a dialogue if there is a problem, she also has a point. You can't cry me a river about your partner cheating on you if you're in a sexual relationship and have weirdly cut them off for no reason. I don't know if I'd go far enough to advocate treating sex like a chore, as she does, but...hmmm.

I'm just cautious and wouldn't dismiss her out of hand. More communication = good, and folk are sexual creatures.

[highlyeccentric.livejournal.com]

oh, yes- i'm just shitty about her placing the blame on "feminism" (by the same token, if she were a feminist i'd get shitty about her blaming the Patriarchy). Life's a tad more complicated than that.

[goblinpaladin.livejournal.com]

Ah, well, YES. YES, that sort of irritation I COMPLETELY agree with.

She might as well blame MODERN LIFE or something.

...oh wait, she does.

[highlyeccentric.livejournal.com]

see ed. note added above.

[blackbuttoneyes.livejournal.com]

Oh, it makes SO much sense that it is the fault of feminism.

(wipes up sarcasm that has dripped from voice)

[highlyeccentric.livejournal.com]

yes... because before feminism no one even had communication breakdowns! sure!

[blackbuttoneyes.livejournal.com]

Oh of course. Before feminism no one ever got divorced, and everyone expressed their feelings perfectly, because feminism ruined relationships and made that impossible. EVERYONE knows that.

[highlyeccentric.livejournal.com]

oh, yes. you'd be surprised how easy it is to communicate when you've submitted dutifully to your husband.
it's awfully easy to have all your needs met when you only have those your husband allows you.

*cough*
sorry. that's my Inner!Anglican coming out again.

[blackbuttoneyes.livejournal.com]

=) Essentially, communication was easier when YOU WERE ENCOURAGED NOT TO COMMUNICATE.

[highlyeccentric.livejournal.com]

communication was easier WHEN HE TOLD YOU WHAT TO COMMUNICATE.

now, thanks to the wonders modern society, we can be told what to communicate, when, and with whom, by everyone from Germaine Greer to this Pam Spurr person.

i'm not saying this is a more effective system, by a long shot :P

[blackbuttoneyes.livejournal.com]

Yep, it's so nice that that's been democratized- now instead of a husband telling us what to think everyone can!!

[highlyeccentric.livejournal.com]

*sigh* this reminds me...

my mother has friends who actually do worry about her... she has an athiest husband, you see. no one to explain the sunday sermon to her!
she tried pointing out that she usually understands the sermons, and if she doesn't she could always ask our (then female) minister.
many blank looks were exchanged.

[blackbuttoneyes.livejournal.com]

(ten seconds of confused silence)

I...wow. That's sort of...frightening.

I don't know what I'D do without a man to explain such highly personal, individualized things as spirituality and God to me.

[highlyeccentric.livejournal.com]

that probably explains why i'm so strange and heretical- lack of proper masculine spiritual guidance. Christian mother, all-female sunday school teachers, two female ministers... recipe for utter disaster.

[blackbuttoneyes.livejournal.com]

True, if God is a big bearded grandpa-man, what can a WOMAN possibly tell you about him?!

[highlyeccentric.livejournal.com]

I don't know but it makes me think of Tori Amos (http://www.seeklyrics.com/lyrics/Tori-Amos/God.html)

[blackbuttoneyes.livejournal.com]

Aaahhh I love that song! There was a good three years when I pretty much ONLY listened to Tori.

[highlyeccentric.livejournal.com]

I love that song :D
i am gathering a general appreciation for Tori, but i love that song :D

[blackbuttoneyes.livejournal.com]

She is really, really wonderful. She can be very healing.

[daiskmeliadorn.livejournal.com]

oh my fucking god. (sorry, god. you know what i mean)

i don't really care if she wants to blame feminism (well, i do a bit :)
... but is she really saying the problem with their relationship would be fixed if the woman would just lie back and think of england? aka let her husband rape her, just to keep his sex drive in check?? if she doesn't enjoy sex with her husband, if the prospect of it doesn't excite her at all, then how is it going to help to tell her to just give in to him a few times a week?

Does she really want to take out the rubbish in the pouring rain? No, but partners in relationships do such things because they know that it makes the other happy. Sex should be seen in the same light.

I am not advocating submission. I oppose the idea that anyone should feel pressured into sex; I understand that the “sexualisation” of society often puts unnatural expectations on both women and men. I am merely pointing out that sex, as with other parts of a relationship, needs constant care and compromise.

actually, i don't think you *are* "merely pointing out that sex ... needs constant care and compromise"! you are saying that women should "do things [they don't enjoy] because they know that it makes the other happy". i dunno about men, but personally i wouldn't actually be made happy in such a situation. if my partner's not enjoying sex then how am i meant to?

i don't take the rubbish out to make my housemates happy. i take it out because it needs to be done, and because it's fair to share those jobs. you can't apply the same logic to sex: it's not a question of fairness, or a job that has to be done otherwise the house gets infested with rats!

[highlyeccentric.livejournal.com]

yeah. relationships aren't a chore. not doing chores will screw up a relationship, but maintaining a relationship isn't a chore.

at the point it becomes one- and sex is only *part* of that problem, then that's the problem and "doing the chores" won't fix it.