Rant # 2

[highlyeccentric]

I quote:

Feminism gave women control of their sex lives, but has it gone too far? Author and sex expert Dr Pam Spurr argues that many women are risking their relationships by saying ‘no’

Emily, 37, is a successful solicitor with a husband and a two-year-old son. To her friends, she doubtless lives a charmed existence. But recently she sat across from me in a life coaching session. She was very distressed. Having just discovered that her husband of five years had had an affair, she felt that her world had disintegrated. She’d been a good partner, hadn’t she? She was caring and hardworking, wasn’t she?

Closer examination of their relationship revealed that Emily hadn’t had sex with her husband for many months. When I pushed Emily gently on this she was incredibly defensive. It was her view that she was too busy with her career and raising their son to give any thought or time to sex.

Over the past two decades I have worked as a psychologist, life coach and sex expert, and I have found that Emily’s attitude is all too common. And such views don’t bode well for the success of relationships. With increasing frequency, women in their twenties, thirties and forties take a pragmatic, postfeminist view that sex is something over which they have no need to negotiate. In the bedroom, there is no compromise. If a man has a higher sex drive than a woman, then he can sort himself out. If he wants to try something new and she can’t be bothered, tough luck to him.

~

Because of course feminism should be blamed for lack of communication in a relationship. The man couldn't possibly be to blame at all. It wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that both Emily and her husband are living in a society where their worth is measured by their careers. It certainly wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that apparently Emily alone has the primary carer's duties for their son, on top of her career.

Oh no. It's all the fault of feminism.

ed- Let It Be Noted that i don't think it's the fault of Patriarchy, either. If "Emily" and her husband can't work out their respective needs- sex, childcare, whatever- if they can't *talk* to each other, then that's their own damn problem, and the causes are liable to be a tad more complicated than just "feminism" or "patriarchy".

Comments

[daiskmeliadorn.livejournal.com]

oh my fucking god. (sorry, god. you know what i mean)

i don't really care if she wants to blame feminism (well, i do a bit :)
... but is she really saying the problem with their relationship would be fixed if the woman would just lie back and think of england? aka let her husband rape her, just to keep his sex drive in check?? if she doesn't enjoy sex with her husband, if the prospect of it doesn't excite her at all, then how is it going to help to tell her to just give in to him a few times a week?

Does she really want to take out the rubbish in the pouring rain? No, but partners in relationships do such things because they know that it makes the other happy. Sex should be seen in the same light.

I am not advocating submission. I oppose the idea that anyone should feel pressured into sex; I understand that the “sexualisation” of society often puts unnatural expectations on both women and men. I am merely pointing out that sex, as with other parts of a relationship, needs constant care and compromise.

actually, i don't think you *are* "merely pointing out that sex ... needs constant care and compromise"! you are saying that women should "do things [they don't enjoy] because they know that it makes the other happy". i dunno about men, but personally i wouldn't actually be made happy in such a situation. if my partner's not enjoying sex then how am i meant to?

i don't take the rubbish out to make my housemates happy. i take it out because it needs to be done, and because it's fair to share those jobs. you can't apply the same logic to sex: it's not a question of fairness, or a job that has to be done otherwise the house gets infested with rats!

[highlyeccentric.livejournal.com]

yeah. relationships aren't a chore. not doing chores will screw up a relationship, but maintaining a relationship isn't a chore.

at the point it becomes one- and sex is only *part* of that problem, then that's the problem and "doing the chores" won't fix it.