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highlyeccentricFeminism gave women control of their sex lives, but has it gone too far? Author and sex expert Dr Pam Spurr argues that many women are risking their relationships by saying ‘no’
Emily, 37, is a successful solicitor with a husband and a two-year-old son. To her friends, she doubtless lives a charmed existence. But recently she sat across from me in a life coaching session. She was very distressed. Having just discovered that her husband of five years had had an affair, she felt that her world had disintegrated. She’d been a good partner, hadn’t she? She was caring and hardworking, wasn’t she?
Closer examination of their relationship revealed that Emily hadn’t had sex with her husband for many months. When I pushed Emily gently on this she was incredibly defensive. It was her view that she was too busy with her career and raising their son to give any thought or time to sex.
Over the past two decades I have worked as a psychologist, life coach and sex expert, and I have found that Emily’s attitude is all too common. And such views don’t bode well for the success of relationships. With increasing frequency, women in their twenties, thirties and forties take a pragmatic, postfeminist view that sex is something over which they have no need to negotiate. In the bedroom, there is no compromise. If a man has a higher sex drive than a woman, then he can sort himself out. If he wants to try something new and she can’t be bothered, tough luck to him.
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Because of course feminism should be blamed for lack of communication in a relationship. The man couldn't possibly be to blame at all. It wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that both Emily and her husband are living in a society where their worth is measured by their careers. It certainly wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that apparently Emily alone has the primary carer's duties for their son, on top of her career.
Oh no. It's all the fault of feminism.
ed- Let It Be Noted that i don't think it's the fault of Patriarchy, either. If "Emily" and her husband can't work out their respective needs- sex, childcare, whatever- if they can't *talk* to each other, then that's their own damn problem, and the causes are liable to be a tad more complicated than just "feminism" or "patriarchy".
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no subject
Date: 2007-11-02 01:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-02 01:39 pm (UTC)now, thanks to the wonders modern society, we can be told what to communicate, when, and with whom, by everyone from Germaine Greer to this Pam Spurr person.
i'm not saying this is a more effective system, by a long shot :P
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Date: 2007-11-02 01:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-02 01:49 pm (UTC)my mother has friends who actually do worry about her... she has an athiest husband, you see. no one to explain the sunday sermon to her!
she tried pointing out that she usually understands the sermons, and if she doesn't she could always ask our (then female) minister.
many blank looks were exchanged.
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Date: 2007-11-02 01:51 pm (UTC)I...wow. That's sort of...frightening.
I don't know what I'D do without a man to explain such highly personal, individualized things as spirituality and God to me.
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Date: 2007-11-02 01:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-02 01:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-02 01:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-02 02:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-02 02:09 pm (UTC)i am gathering a general appreciation for Tori, but i love that song :D
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Date: 2007-11-02 02:13 pm (UTC)