(no subject)

[highlyeccentric]

Courtesy of something i don't often read, Feministing, I direct you all to: Abstinence Only Driver's Ed.

Car accidents are a leading cause of death for teenagers. The school board and your elected representatives want to make sure that you and your families are spared from such a tragedy, which is why the money for driver's ed was eliminated from the budget. Whereas last year I was teaching your older siblings how to shift and brake and three-point-turn during a six-week course, it has since been decreed that I actually need just one afternoon to tell you the only piece of safety information I'm permitted by law to share:

The ONLY 100 percent effective method for avoiding car accidents is to ABSTAIN from driving until marriage.
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Kids, please direct your attention to the poster above the blackboard here: FASTER THAN PARKED IS FAST ENOUGH TO KILL.

If Grandpa offers to take you out to the cornfield for stick-shift practice, or to an empty suburban street so you can practice your parallel-parking, YOU ARE STILL DRIVING, AND DRIVING IS WHAT I'M TELLING YOU NOT TO DO. Got it? One day you're shifting with Gramps and two weeks later the thrill will have worn off and you'll have to up the ante. You'll have to move on to highway driving. Then, standing up, with your head sticking out the sunroof, you cruise through the big city at night. Then you'll be doing doughnuts. Drag racing. Sideshowing. Ghostriding the whip. Tokyo drifting.
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Fear not, kids: there's a time in your life when driving a car will cease to be an evil and disgusting shame-riddled experience. That happens after you're married. My husband got me a Corvette for our anniversary. How sweet is that? And take it from ME: NO premarital driving could ever have felt as good as the driving my husband and I do together.
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And for those of you wondering if it's OK for you to learn to drive because you're gay and can't get legally married, well, don't worry your troubled minds about that, because there's no driving where YOU'RE headed. Everyone in Greenwich Village takes the subway.

teeeheeehee.