The Obligatory Valentines Day Rant

[highlyeccentric]

rather late, i know. I was only just reminded of my intention to Rant, by rayneshadow's Rant about People Who Rant About  Valentine's Day. I'd like you all to observe her beautiful turn of phrase here:

Being single and complaining about V-Day is like being Christian and complaining about Hannukah or being American and complaining about Australia Day.

So, by this logic, I am, for the first time in my life, entitled to complain about Valentines Day. Hitherto I have successfully avoided having a boyfriend in mid-febuary, but it seemed a bit extreme to break up with the guy just so that i could smugly observe Febuary 13B on my own. So I gave Orders that we Not Do Anything. Flinn was somewhat downcast about this, but went along with it. He got his own back when, after he'd moved me into college last weekend, I said I owed him. The payback will be to submit to a date in febuary. He has allowed that I may pretend it has nothing to do with replacing Valentines Day ;).

As happens, V-day would have been just inconvenient, as we ended up having dinner with David and Sarah before she heads off to uni in Bathurst.

Anyway, not the point. My rant has nothing to do with Flinn. It has everything to do with being a Stationeer.* It has everything to do with the abysmal and appalling products on sale for Valentines Day. Fortunately we weren't selling all that much extra stock- just the cards, some *coughveryverycute* stuffed elephants and...

Red Hot Love Vouchers. As Sue put it, when asked who would have time to enact all the bizzare situations prescribed in the book of vouchers, "There's always time for red hot love."
But seriously- "an all over case of the goose pimples"? I can turn off the hot water system while you're in the shower, that's a sure way to do it.
"a never before tried romantic escapade"? never before tried because it's a bad idea perhaps?
"a replay of our first date"? Grant, on observing this one, realised that if presented with this voucher, he would be going out, getting outrageously pissed, and waking up the next morning to go "ah. i see." at the sight of his now-girlfriend. Fortunately, she's too sensible for Valentines Day.
what about "a teenage make out session- hot car, steamy windows and it doesn't have to stop there..."? Isn't the point of being Big that you don't have to do that sort of thing anymore? We have beds now, you know.

Valentines Day- Get Sexy: so read the sign above our frontmost display of cards. This display contained such gems as the 'super romantic poem about shagging'. One card, getting right to the point, declared "You show me yours and i'll show you mine." Or you could have chosen the sweet "I don't need a special day to tell you how much I love you.... but if it leads to sex, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY MERRY CHRISTMAS HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY NEW YEAR MERRY ST PAT'S DAY!"
There was a cartoon, reading "oooh, Ranger Bob, that's the third time today i've had to suck snake venom from your penis.... Hope your Valentine's Day Sucks (in a good way)", and there was one of those 50s ads recaptioned to read "People felt sorry for Phillip, dining alone on Valentines Day. They didn't realise his girlfriend had been between his legs for the last ten minutes".
The first category I can sort of understand. If you have a particularly low-brow sense of humour, and/or you think Valentines Day is a load of hogwash and/or don't want to take it too seriously, they could be the way to go. Although, as Liam put it, "if all i was doing was shagging her, she wouldn't be getting a valentine's day card."
But what about the second lot? Who is supposed to give them to whom? If you think that sort of thing would make your boyfriend happy for Valentines Day, and you're inclined to oblige, wouldn't you just do it? If you weren't going to oblige, or he wasn't into that sort of thing, why would you give the card? In one case it would be mean, in the other pointless. And if you're a guy, and you wanted what Phillip was getting, the best way to achieve it would not be with a card like that. would it???
The only thing i could come up with was maybe it's some male equivalent of the Single Girl's Valentines Day Card (we had one of them, too- it said all i need is chocolate and a good book, a statement flatly contradicted by the purchasing of said card). Like a "good luck mate, hope you get some action" kind of card from your best manly buddies, or something.
All of them- Funny, perhaps, in a toilet humour kind of way. But not in the least romantic and definitely not sexy. A day for celebrating romance i can handle... a day for celebrating fucking, what's that supposed to be?

Multipe Cards: I expounded upon this phenomenom in this entry here. Grant tells me he once had a gentleman buy fifteen cards in one go (apparently it was an office ringaround, which might explain the instances i puzzled over the other day)

on the other hand... i shouldn't rant too much, as it's things like this which keep me employed ;)

*Stationeer: one who adventures with stationery.

Comments

[niamh-sage.livejournal.com]

If I wanted to reenact our first date, I'd have to fly back to Perth, then fly to London Heathrow, where Arni would meet me and we'd catch a train to Dover, the ferry to Calais and drive to his family's house in Belgium. That *was* one of the loveliest days in my life, but no, I don't think I'll be attempting to repeat it. Besides, it's all the more special by just being One :D

We had an unexpected Valentine's Day. We never usually celebrate it, but we ended up having quite a surreal sort of celebratory day anyway due to Unforeseen Circumstances :D

[flamearrows.livejournal.com]

I've never understood why people feel the need to rant about V-day. If you don't believe in the commercialism and the lameness, then don't buy into it. Anything that might prompt some sort of celebration of love can't be a bad thing.

'sides, the economist in me is all for it. Demand! Supply! Demand! Supply!

[rayneshadow.livejournal.com]

Heh, the first date one seems to be quite inadvised. Aren't first dates generally rather awkward and kinda stiff affairs? I mean, you're both so worried you'll do something wrong or s/he won't like you, and at the end there's the do we kiss or just hug when we say goodbye?

At least the cards provided some humor. The V-Day products that make me want to curl into a fetal position are the ones like stuffed bears that say "I love you beary much" or a stuffed bumblebee that says "bee mine" or bunnies that say "somebunny loves you" or some other horrible pun. *shudder*

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

February 13B?

You've changed the definition!! I hope you told the Dictionary's Committee For Words And Their Meanings - they'd be rather unimpressed if they were to find out that they'd been spreading lies. Even if unknowingly.

Btw, have you got your Student Card yet?

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

Oh, and...Being single and complaining about V-Day is like being Christian and complaining about Hannukah or being American and complaining about Australia Day...?

No. No it isn't. It may be like being Jewish (or anything else non-Christian) and complaining about Christmas, or Australian and complaining about the Fourth of July, but not their reverses. Hannukah and Australia Day are not forced down the throats of Christians and Americans respectively the way Valentines Day is across the Developed World. Christmas is on the same level as V-Day in terms of advertising, brainwashing, and seasonal sales. The Fourth of July isn't, but it's American, and Australia is like America 2, smothered in it's culture and whatnot. However, Australia Day is probably unheard of in America, and I think you'd be hard-pressed finding a Gentile who knew the story of Hannukah.