And now, a word about RAPE
Dec. 17th, 2011 06:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
highlyeccentricBecause, IDK, I have Thoughts.
The expectation that rape is, and will always be, the worst possible thing you can do to a person is itself a part of rape culture. It fuels the use of rape as 'punishment' for various things. It feeds the dismissal of date-rape as 'not real' rape. It means you might disbelieve women who remain composed and with-it after being assaulted. It shapes expectations about how 'real' victims act. For many people, of course, rape is the worst possible thing that could've happened to them; but not, perhaps, all people.
Worse things have happened to me than being coerced into having penetrative sex I didn't want in a location I didn't want to have it. All the emotional crap that came with that relationship was far more damaging. And, well, there's only one of him and I was a fairly tough cookie by then. This is not to excuse him, but worse things have happened to me: a particularly horrendous year of bullying in my childhood did more immediate and long-term damage to me, for example.
Furthermore, sustained emotional manipulation and sabotage - by the same person - did more damage to me than the couple of encounters which I can point to in hindsight and say "hey, I said no / indicated that I didn't want to continue, and he didn't respect that". Those couple of encounters were really just one manifestation of a broader program, and other aspects of it left me with more long-term issues to deal with.
Because of this cultural idea that rape is the Worst Thing You Can Do, the ultimate expression of male violence (usually against women) - they don't call it "emotional abuse culture", do they? - it's hard to think about, talk about my specific experience of sexual nonconsent without feeling like I'm invalidating the rest of the crap I got dealt. It makes it "only" emotional fuckery. Only. It's also hard for me to talk about my experience as rape, not only because it wasn't the classic troped stranger-rape, but because it wasn't the worst thing. Hell, it wasn't even the worst thing in that relationship that day, as I recall.
For that matter, it doesn't actually matter that much to me, personally, whether you want to call it rape, or gray-rape or date rape or nonconsent or dubious consent or coercion or whateverthefuck. All that's important to me is that I recognise (which did take a while) that it was shitty behaviour on his part, and not somehow my fault.
But definitions matter, when you're explaining things. When you're debating things. When you want to present yourself and your history confidently to new lovers. When your right to speak up is questioned. When it seems like everyone everywhere is constantly defining and re-defining what is and isn't rape. When semantic grey areas seem to be threat to anti-rape activism. When you could hurt someone by appropriating the status of rape victim, and hurt others by calling an experience akin to theirs anything less than rape.
Definitions matter; expectations and connotations matter. As long as it is expected that rape is the worst thing you can do to a person, as long as that's what is connoted when I say 'rape', then this is not a conversation into which I fit easily.
ED: updated shortly after posting. Final three paras added. FYI, LJ folks, this is an unlocked post on DW.
The expectation that rape is, and will always be, the worst possible thing you can do to a person is itself a part of rape culture. It fuels the use of rape as 'punishment' for various things. It feeds the dismissal of date-rape as 'not real' rape. It means you might disbelieve women who remain composed and with-it after being assaulted. It shapes expectations about how 'real' victims act. For many people, of course, rape is the worst possible thing that could've happened to them; but not, perhaps, all people.
Worse things have happened to me than being coerced into having penetrative sex I didn't want in a location I didn't want to have it. All the emotional crap that came with that relationship was far more damaging. And, well, there's only one of him and I was a fairly tough cookie by then. This is not to excuse him, but worse things have happened to me: a particularly horrendous year of bullying in my childhood did more immediate and long-term damage to me, for example.
Furthermore, sustained emotional manipulation and sabotage - by the same person - did more damage to me than the couple of encounters which I can point to in hindsight and say "hey, I said no / indicated that I didn't want to continue, and he didn't respect that". Those couple of encounters were really just one manifestation of a broader program, and other aspects of it left me with more long-term issues to deal with.
Because of this cultural idea that rape is the Worst Thing You Can Do, the ultimate expression of male violence (usually against women) - they don't call it "emotional abuse culture", do they? - it's hard to think about, talk about my specific experience of sexual nonconsent without feeling like I'm invalidating the rest of the crap I got dealt. It makes it "only" emotional fuckery. Only. It's also hard for me to talk about my experience as rape, not only because it wasn't the classic troped stranger-rape, but because it wasn't the worst thing. Hell, it wasn't even the worst thing in that relationship that day, as I recall.
For that matter, it doesn't actually matter that much to me, personally, whether you want to call it rape, or gray-rape or date rape or nonconsent or dubious consent or coercion or whateverthefuck. All that's important to me is that I recognise (which did take a while) that it was shitty behaviour on his part, and not somehow my fault.
But definitions matter, when you're explaining things. When you're debating things. When you want to present yourself and your history confidently to new lovers. When your right to speak up is questioned. When it seems like everyone everywhere is constantly defining and re-defining what is and isn't rape. When semantic grey areas seem to be threat to anti-rape activism. When you could hurt someone by appropriating the status of rape victim, and hurt others by calling an experience akin to theirs anything less than rape.
Definitions matter; expectations and connotations matter. As long as it is expected that rape is the worst thing you can do to a person, as long as that's what is connoted when I say 'rape', then this is not a conversation into which I fit easily.
ED: updated shortly after posting. Final three paras added. FYI, LJ folks, this is an unlocked post on DW.