This morning's Heckler

I see someone else is irritated by the new ABC board...

WE UNDERSTAND the revamped ABC board is to commission severalnew TV series seeking to restore the proper balance in socialdiscourse and historical narrative.

The surviving Marxist cell inside the evolutionist ABC scienceshow has leaked us a few sneak previews.

Unholy Union: A disturbed sect rejects the establishedmortise-and-tenon model of marriage, preferring totongue-and-groove. Their pernicious private activities erupt into aseries of loathsome public displays, culminating in hand holding,income sharing and corrupting street parades. The chilly,landlocked capital of the kingdom, long since abandoned by itssmallish tracksuited king, attempts to legitimise this godlessgallimaufry. Goaded, the king gallops back into the capital and,smiting Satan, banishes the deviants to save the family-first taxbenefit.

GirlsRUs: A feisty tomboy denies the primacy of her biology, assaults her brothers, and refuses to watch ABC netball replays. Her parents try everything from Girl Scouts and Methodism to the embroidery hoop. All seems lost when she refuses to wear her petticoats to the school cotillion. During the waltz, she carelessly criticises the beige cardigan of a Young Liberal schoolmate. Overcome by love and lust, he swallows his pride to introduce her to the sacred texts of Jensen and Pell. She begins totake more care over her appearance and make-up, soon settling downto marry and have one for each person and one for the country.

Boat Personas: A wave of refugees threatens to swamp animpoverished island continent. To the horror of the locals, thesedark-skinned zealots attempt to sacrifice their own children to theSea God, but are repulsed by an ageing fleet of Sea Kings. Unhingedby these atrocities, the island nation unleashes a clandestinecampaign of randomly relocating its own darker-skinned citizensoffshore. When this move backfires, sanity finally prevails. Thenation adapts the best features of the relocation program, shiftingall future swarms of refugees offshore to available user-paysoutcrops of guano.

Academic Rigger: In which near-sighted scholar KenWeedspittle rises like a phoenix to claim his rightful place indecent society. Ken, ignored as a child despite his noble foreheadand sparkling aphorisms, attempts to infiltrate the Trotskyitefringe among a fledgling coterie of labour market economists. Hisruse is tumbled when the 13th of his regression equations resultsin the application of a negative youth wage. Tossed out of theanarchists salon, he takes a fearful revenge by re-whiting historyfor an appreciative audience of ascendant capital-I liberals.Finally given a free hand, Ken revitalises ABC Playschool asa pre-school chaplaincy with ogival stained-glass windows for thepost-global-warming Christian youth generation. -Stephen Saunders

(no subject)

from column 8:

Benjamin Flack, of Cremorne, reports this sign spotted on a pole outside a local place of worship: "Lost - 'Faith'. Black-and-white cat. Last seen outside of church."

Riddle 26

can i just point out what dirty dirty minds the anglo-saxons had?

Riddle 26, translation by me

I am a wonderous creature in the expectation of women,
an aid to neighbours. I never harm any
citizen, save my slayer alone.
My stem is erect, I stand up in bed,
hairy somewhere below. Sometimes a very
comely churl's daughter dares to grasp me,
attacks me in my redness, plunders my head,
fixes me in her stronghold. (she) Feels directly
my encounter, she who confines me,
woman with (the) braided hair. Wet is that eye.

anyone care to solve it?

Riddle 26

Hear Ye, Hear Ye!

Riddle 26 has been solved by rayneshadow.

Suggestions included:

*a phallus, from all and sundry. phrasemuffin wisely noted that it wasn't all that useful to one's neighbours.
*A rose, from both Azzy and Phrasemuffin. Works but isn't hairy enough.
*From lepsdavid, who actually knew the answer, we have the suggestion of a long-handled fire stoker thing, with a fur hand grip to stop heat transferrence. Except that i'm not sure if that's historically accurate.

the answer is in fact ( under here )