highlyeccentric (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
highlyeccentric) wrote2011-12-08 12:33 pm
highlyeccentric) wrote2011-12-08 12:33 pm
Entry tags:
A statement: or, I happen to like men, and I will not let either feminism or the patriarchy stop me
Fact: I like men.
Generally speaking, men are decent human beings. I do not like all of them, but I don't like all human beings. I know many men who are kind, loving, funny, hard-working, generous, witty, corageous people. I like these men for their particular constellations of personality traits, just as I like the women I like for their particular constellations of personality traits.
I do not like men despite their gender. I like them with, and often because of, their gender (and their particular individual gender expressions, which may not always be strongly masculine). I know that men, on the whole, have been socialised into kinds of thoughts and behaviours which are oppressive to women (and often to men themselves). I don't enjoy dealing with that.
But I don't like men despite their social programming. Sometimes I like them because of it. I like men who are protective of those they care about and those who need care. Some men are not verbally expressive of their emotions, and pride themselves on being steady influences on the lives of others, and sometimes I find that restful to be around. I like men who focus on achievement, ambition, competition and debate, and who encourage and accept these traits in me.
Of course, I like men who have other traits, too: men whose protective nature looks more like stereotypical feminine 'nurturing'; men who are open about their feelings and ask about mine; men who co-operate and collaborate and tell me when I'm being unproductively domineering. And I have empathy for men of all stripes who struggle with the impossible demands of patriarchal masculinity: perhaps especially those who have no feminist or gender egalitarian vocabulary for understanding why they feel inferior, beleaguered, or invalidated by the ideals society presents to them. Like Ozymandias, I care about men.
I like blokes, you see. Some of 'em are pretty hot, too. But mostly, I like blokes, because just as often as women, they're interesting human beings.
I have always liked men. I was close to my father, growing up, and we shared many common intellectual interests. I was bullied by both boys and girls, growing up, but in the end I had more good male friends than female. Gay men offered me support and encouragement when I came out, just as much as queer (and a couple of excellent-thinking straight) women did.
There are many aspects of the patriarchy/kyriachy/whatever - many different social conventions - which discourage closeness, trust, and sharing between men and women. The most conservative environments I have been in are also those which believe that men and women can't be close friends, because sex will always enter into it.
I don't have citations on this - which annoys me, because I heart citations - but it seems to me that a great deal of sexist conventions in modern western anglophone culture (and my academic experience tells me this is also true of some other cultures) are predicated on the idea that men and women are fundamentally different, and therefore, they should only interact intimately for the purposes of sex, romance, and family relations.
And unto this I say: fuck that noise.
You know what? I like women, too. It took me longer to admit that, for which I am somewhat sorry; and for that, I blame the patriarchy. I blame the individual young women who bullied me, and those who resented me, and those who policed my behaviour, dress, and gender performance as both a woman and an acknowledged nerd. But I blame the screwed-up social system which sets women against one another (as it sets men); which makes a threat of women's intellect and ambition; which makes physical perfection the ideal of girlhood and makes a threat of those who don't care so much about it.
I like women, though. Some of them are pretty hot, too. I have lived exclusively with women since I was seventeen. I have studied with women and celebrated with women and eaten food and baked cakes and got up to ridiculous hijinks with women. I began doing these things long before I began sleeping with women, and indeed, my 'primary energies' - those which are not given to my work - are shared with a woman whom I have no intention of ever sleeping with.
I could chose not to sleep with men. I am, after all, in the oft-ignored category for whom that is a perfectly reasonable choice: I wouldn't stop finding men attractive, but I could chose not to sleep with them (indeed, at the moment, my preference is not to, but I see that as temporary and circumstantial).
I could chose not to befriend men: not to stay up talking to them into the wee hours of the night; not to trust them; not to love them.
And that would be a great loss to me. It would be a loss of many lovely, invaluable individuals. It would be a loss of many insights, many different perspectives on the world. I would lose the sexism of men, yes; but I would not lose the sexism of women. I would lose my personal investment in the fates of men, in understanding and, where possible, resisting, the screwed-up systems of patriarchal masculinity.
Also, I would lose the pretty awesome possibility of heterosexual sex. I might be perfectly happy without it, but why should anyone tell me I ought to be?
It would be a terrible decision, professionally: why put more barriers between me and my male colleagues than already exist? I hope to work with brilliant men and women, and I plan to care about them all - or at least the ones who are decent human beings. It is my responsibility to be as available, as giving, as much a role model to my male students as my female students: to demand the same standards and give the same aid.
Men are inevitable. And they are also, I strongly feel, beneficial. I don't mean beneficial to Feminism At Large - although they may be. I mean beneficial to me. They make my life better, in the same way as women, and the occasional non-binary individuals, make my life better.
I cannot remove men from my life, and I would not if I could. Therefore, I care about men.
Here endeth the lesson. And yes, I know that's an outdated piece of seventies lesbian-feminist criticism, but something of that ilk - sometimes older, sometimes newer, comes across my Tumblr dash or my Google Reader every few weeks. Let us not start on things like the time someone told me that the reason I had strong memories of my father reading to me was that I'd internalised the patriarchy, and ridiculous things like that.
Fortunately, many respectable forms of feminism these days do care about men and about masculinity these days. However, it remains a choice that one makes as a feminist, not an automatic assumption. The degree to which any given sub-group or critic cares can vary widely. Thus, "I care about men" is a worthwhile statement to make.
Editorial note: this post, in its Dreamwidth iteration, is a public post. I'm closing comments on the LJ version - feel free to respond using OpenID or anonymous comments (signed w/ names, please) here.
Generally speaking, men are decent human beings. I do not like all of them, but I don't like all human beings. I know many men who are kind, loving, funny, hard-working, generous, witty, corageous people. I like these men for their particular constellations of personality traits, just as I like the women I like for their particular constellations of personality traits.
I do not like men despite their gender. I like them with, and often because of, their gender (and their particular individual gender expressions, which may not always be strongly masculine). I know that men, on the whole, have been socialised into kinds of thoughts and behaviours which are oppressive to women (and often to men themselves). I don't enjoy dealing with that.
But I don't like men despite their social programming. Sometimes I like them because of it. I like men who are protective of those they care about and those who need care. Some men are not verbally expressive of their emotions, and pride themselves on being steady influences on the lives of others, and sometimes I find that restful to be around. I like men who focus on achievement, ambition, competition and debate, and who encourage and accept these traits in me.
Of course, I like men who have other traits, too: men whose protective nature looks more like stereotypical feminine 'nurturing'; men who are open about their feelings and ask about mine; men who co-operate and collaborate and tell me when I'm being unproductively domineering. And I have empathy for men of all stripes who struggle with the impossible demands of patriarchal masculinity: perhaps especially those who have no feminist or gender egalitarian vocabulary for understanding why they feel inferior, beleaguered, or invalidated by the ideals society presents to them. Like Ozymandias, I care about men.
I like blokes, you see. Some of 'em are pretty hot, too. But mostly, I like blokes, because just as often as women, they're interesting human beings.
I have always liked men. I was close to my father, growing up, and we shared many common intellectual interests. I was bullied by both boys and girls, growing up, but in the end I had more good male friends than female. Gay men offered me support and encouragement when I came out, just as much as queer (and a couple of excellent-thinking straight) women did.
There are many aspects of the patriarchy/kyriachy/whatever - many different social conventions - which discourage closeness, trust, and sharing between men and women. The most conservative environments I have been in are also those which believe that men and women can't be close friends, because sex will always enter into it.
Don't be alone in a room with a man.
Should you really be sending emails to boys?
If you're huggy/affectionate with your male friends, they might get the 'wrong' idea.
Are you sure they aren't dating? No really, they're lying to you, he's visiting her all the time!
She has her ex-boyfriend stay overnight? And you let her do that?
That boy who's always hanging out with the girls? He must be gay.
I don't have citations on this - which annoys me, because I heart citations - but it seems to me that a great deal of sexist conventions in modern western anglophone culture (and my academic experience tells me this is also true of some other cultures) are predicated on the idea that men and women are fundamentally different, and therefore, they should only interact intimately for the purposes of sex, romance, and family relations.
And unto this I say: fuck that noise.
The Lesbian, woman-identified woman, commits herself to women not only as an alternative to oppressive male/female relationships but primarily because she loves women. Whether consciously or not, by her actions, the Lesbian has recognized that giving support and love to men over women perpetuates the system that oppresses her. If women do not make a commitment to each other, which includes sexual love, we deny ourselves the love and value traditionally given to men. We accept our second class status. When women do give primary energies to other women, then it is possible to concentrate fully on building a movement for our liberation.
- Charlotte Bunch - lesbianism is a political choice
You know what? I like women, too. It took me longer to admit that, for which I am somewhat sorry; and for that, I blame the patriarchy. I blame the individual young women who bullied me, and those who resented me, and those who policed my behaviour, dress, and gender performance as both a woman and an acknowledged nerd. But I blame the screwed-up social system which sets women against one another (as it sets men); which makes a threat of women's intellect and ambition; which makes physical perfection the ideal of girlhood and makes a threat of those who don't care so much about it.
I like women, though. Some of them are pretty hot, too. I have lived exclusively with women since I was seventeen. I have studied with women and celebrated with women and eaten food and baked cakes and got up to ridiculous hijinks with women. I began doing these things long before I began sleeping with women, and indeed, my 'primary energies' - those which are not given to my work - are shared with a woman whom I have no intention of ever sleeping with.
I could chose not to sleep with men. I am, after all, in the oft-ignored category for whom that is a perfectly reasonable choice: I wouldn't stop finding men attractive, but I could chose not to sleep with them (indeed, at the moment, my preference is not to, but I see that as temporary and circumstantial).
I could chose not to befriend men: not to stay up talking to them into the wee hours of the night; not to trust them; not to love them.
And that would be a great loss to me. It would be a loss of many lovely, invaluable individuals. It would be a loss of many insights, many different perspectives on the world. I would lose the sexism of men, yes; but I would not lose the sexism of women. I would lose my personal investment in the fates of men, in understanding and, where possible, resisting, the screwed-up systems of patriarchal masculinity.
Also, I would lose the pretty awesome possibility of heterosexual sex. I might be perfectly happy without it, but why should anyone tell me I ought to be?
It would be a terrible decision, professionally: why put more barriers between me and my male colleagues than already exist? I hope to work with brilliant men and women, and I plan to care about them all - or at least the ones who are decent human beings. It is my responsibility to be as available, as giving, as much a role model to my male students as my female students: to demand the same standards and give the same aid.
Men are inevitable. And they are also, I strongly feel, beneficial. I don't mean beneficial to Feminism At Large - although they may be. I mean beneficial to me. They make my life better, in the same way as women, and the occasional non-binary individuals, make my life better.
I cannot remove men from my life, and I would not if I could. Therefore, I care about men.
Here endeth the lesson. And yes, I know that's an outdated piece of seventies lesbian-feminist criticism, but something of that ilk - sometimes older, sometimes newer, comes across my Tumblr dash or my Google Reader every few weeks. Let us not start on things like the time someone told me that the reason I had strong memories of my father reading to me was that I'd internalised the patriarchy, and ridiculous things like that.
Fortunately, many respectable forms of feminism these days do care about men and about masculinity these days. However, it remains a choice that one makes as a feminist, not an automatic assumption. The degree to which any given sub-group or critic cares can vary widely. Thus, "I care about men" is a worthwhile statement to make.
Editorial note: this post, in its Dreamwidth iteration, is a public post. I'm closing comments on the LJ version - feel free to respond using OpenID or anonymous comments (signed w/ names, please) here.
no subject
I mean, I mean, sometimes I fantasize about ending up a single cat lady on a lesbian commune, but I also keep reminding myself that people (among whom, men) in the abstract are far more terrifying than they are as real individuals!
In any case, children are the most terrifying of all beings that walk the earth, not that that means they shouldn't be happy and free and treated as individuals too.
Oh, and by the way, this is my dreamwidth account, which is now under construction.
no subject
I would like to state that lesbians are terrifying in the abstract, too. And some of them are also terrifying as individuals.
(I guessed that was your account. The icon, for starters; and the username is your AO3 account...)
no subject
Thanks for having written this. As someone who used to paint all men with the "all men are assholes" brush, this really spoke to me. It took me a while to come around -- to see that not all guys are manipulative or violent or mean or self-serving; to see the potential for emotional connection and kindness and romance that was always there.
I'm still not close with very many guys, but that's OK. After a fashion, it makes me appreciate the ones who aren't beholden to our bullshit conception of masculinity and who are interested in moving beyond it all the more.
This. Individuals of all genders have to take responsibility for and be held responsible for their actions, but in the end the entire system needs to be torn asunder if we're to see real change.
So many of my pet peeves dwell here. The assertion that "men and women can't be friends" when my closest friends have always been women. The ridiculous assumptions we make about nudity -- if men and women are naked around each other it's always seen as a sexual situation, whereas it's considered completely acceptable to put men or women into situations (restrooms, locker rooms) with other naked members of the same sex, that's fine because, you know, no sexual attraction could EVER happen between two men or two women.
no subject
'Course not! *coughs, chokes, dies of hypocrisy*
I will own that I am far more comfortable sharing quarters / changing space / etc with women than with men. Mostly because of Shroedinger's rapist: but also partly because I feel like I oughtn't to be comfortable. I haven't become entirely comfortable with being comfortable with, say, mixed-sex dorms in youth hostels. Yet when I shared mixed dorms in London, I had a perfectly lovely time.
And that really only goes for strangers. People I *know*, I am no more or less likely to be comfortable sharing space with a woman than a man. In fact for a long time I had more male friends I was happy sharing a bedroom with than female! Not out of fear of sexual advances or anything, just... being asleep is vulnerability, right? I don't like falling asleep in the same place as people I don't trust.
Individuals of all genders have to take responsibility for and be held responsible for their actions, but in the end the entire system needs to be torn asunder if we're to see real change.
INDEED. Can we snuggle the stupidity out of human beings, do you think?